Calculate Your Rock Star Age

I made this up after watching Rock Star INXS last night.

• V = accumulated miles on your current touring vehicle.
• T = total number of tattoos and piercings on your body.
• S = approximate number of sexual partners you've had in the last year.
• M = number of musical instruments you can play (a good singing voice counts as one).

Here's the calculation:

(V /10,000) * T + S
_________________
            M

In other words, Take the accumulated miles on your current touring vehicle. Divide that by 10,000. Multiply that total by the number of tattoos and piercings that you have. Add the estimated number of sexual partners you've had in the last year. Divide everything by the number of instruments you can play.

If (like me) you can't play an instrument and you can't sing, your answer is null. You have no chance of being a rock star, so you have no rock star age. Sorry.

Which of the INXS finalists do you think has the oldest rock star age?

UPDATE: Here's my initial analyses:

• Age null: Sorry, baby. Even rock stars need a little bit of talent.
• Age 1-15: You're either too prude or too talented to be a rock star. Shoot for other dreams.
• Age 16-25: You have potential. Get more piercings or start sleeping around, and find some bandmates.
• Age 26-39: Is there really a rock star visiting my blog? Can I have your autograph?
• Age 40-55: Your time has passed. Start checking out local colleges like Tommy Lee.
• Age 56-70: You're too road weary to keep touring. Pack it in and retire already.
• Age 71+: Dude, you rock. Slow down before you kill yourself. (Or buy a new car.)

Pretend your car's a touring vehicle and let us know your rock star age.

Comments

[jen]

Cool Man!
It's like you and Mich and morphing into one.

I'm sure you've played the tambourine before. Cymbals? Triangle? Harmonica? Marraccas? I can't believe you have no age.
I'd tell you my age but I never was very good at math.

[Sarah]

.33333333. I think it really hurt my number that I don't have any tattoos.

[Sarah]

A ha! Tiffer pointed out that I forgot to count my piercings (I also forgot that once upon a time I knew how to play the sax).

My updated score is 3325.25.

Much more rockin'.

(Somehow I feel like I should have used the mileage on my other touring vehicle, not the minivan).

[Alison]

That still doen't seem right. I think I made this much harder than I realized. Everyone is e-mailing me these crazy numbers that are off the scale.

I think it's the mileage part that's throwing everyone off. So let me give a cheat sheet. If your car has 10,000 miles, your M/10,000 number is 1. If you have 20,000 miles, your number is 2. If you have 30,000 miles, your number is 3 ... 100,000 is 10, 110,000 is 11, etc.

Does that help?

[Kristy]

My rock star age is 30.3 funny....I don't feel like a rock star!!!

[Alison]

Kris - I think you did it right! You're a rock star at Joe's on karaoke night.

[Sarah]

I used a calculator and everything. THIS time, my number is 3.75... now the problem is that I play too many instruments. Or don't have any tattoos, or maybe it's because my minivan is pretty new.

[Sarah]

I feel like I'm doing a lot of math for your blog, Tiffer.

It's like school.

[Alison]

Welcome to AliBlog university. Where you can get degrees in moodling, friendship and absurdity. (warning: some math required.)

[Sarah]

I'd like to sign up for the degree in absurdity. I'm pretty sure I've done the math already.

[Beau]

I think the problem with the formula is the denominator, the more instriments you play the lower your score is.

[jen]

Hey I did it! I'm not 72,000! If I only play 2 musical instruments I'm 36.5, but if you add the "not really talented" instruments (mentioned above) I'm more of a teenager.

Thanks for the help!

[Alison]

Beau - actually, that's intentional. Rock stars don't play lots of instruments. In my book, folks who play lots of instruments are more likely to be symphony members, teachers or music therapists. That's why age 1-15 says, "You're either too prude or too talented to be a rock star." Sarah, for instance, is too talented (she was a music minor, after all).

Jen - I don't count the "not really talented instruments." You and Kristy should start a band :).

[Sarah]

That is very nice of you to say, but Lenny Kravitz, Dave Grohl and Trent Reznor can all play all the instruments on their albums and they are rock stars.

I don't know that I've ever been called "too talented" before. This is a very good day for me (except for all of the math).

[Erin]

Hey! Math! No fair!

[Alison]

Funny, when I was going over this in my head, it all seemed to simple. Now I know - blogs are not the place for math.

I still say rockers like Lenny, Dave and Trent are rare. BUT playing multiple instruments gives them more longevity - thus lowering their rock star age & making my denominator a valid one.

(Sarah, I'll send you a certificate for an honorary doctorate in absurdity. As your father's daughter, I think it's a birthright. I'm certain he's done the math.)

[Sarah]

I am laughing so hard I'm afraid I'll wake up my kids.

[karen]

I think you guys ALL rock. you have talent and fun. My score was 11.6963. I hope it's the over talented thing and not cause I'm a prude.

[April]

okay...so i was browsing after i voted....my age was 28...not too far from my actual age. TOO BAD I'm not a ROCK STAR!!