AliBlog

The Anti-Blog Post

My life is not lived in words. It is not passing in sentences. It does not fit neatly into paragraphs.

My days do not slow for text. They do not linger for literature. They do not ease up for essays.

My fingers cannot type perspective. They do not coordinate for communication. They will not affiliate with brilliance.

My eyes do not look for allegory. They are not aware of anecdotes. They cannot see stories.

My ears are not listening for luck. They cannot hear irony. They do not translate thought.

My body cannot sit for composition. It does not bend for bluster. It does not wake for rhetoric.

My mind is not open for discourse. It is not attuned to narrative. It does not take the stage for auditions.

My soul will not unfurl for publication. It does not lay open for ogling. It is not available for apprehension.

Say 'Yes' for a Shinier Card

I ran out of words for awhile there - used them all up at work. I haven't been answering personal e-mails much either. That's how backlogged I've been with my 9-5 life. But I'm finally caught up. How do I know? My work inbox has less than a dozen e-mails in it. Last week it had dozens and dozens, and half of them were red-flagged.

So, what's been up with this here blog while I've been working? Well, someone surfed in yesterday after searching for "North Carolina diaper execution." What could this mean?

1. There's a person on death row in NC because of Pampers.
2. There's a unique, Carolinian way of executing a diaper change that I'm unaware of.
3. There's a secret, redneck plan to execute all the diapers in NC - line 'em up execution style and use them for target practice. I'm talking full, dirty diapers here, with holes blown right through 'em with rifles and shot guns. Can't you see it?
4. There was a fight between two groups of Moms at a MOPS meeting - the disposable diaper moms and the cloth diaper moms. The violence escalated and someone was executed.

Seriously. Can you think of a single, plausible explanation for that search string?

In other blog-related news, I received my first ever who-are-you-and-why-should-we-care-about-your-life e-mail. How strange. I deleted it and didn't respond. But I'm wondering: is this some kind of blogger's right of passage? To have a random stranger come across your site and tell you that you don't deserve his attention. As if you were asking for it in the first place.

Would you ever knock on a stranger's door during election season and say, "Excuse me. Don't mean to cause offense but what's the purpose of all those signs in your yard? Why should I care which issues and politicians you support?" Now that would be awkward, wouldn't it?

Finally, for a good laugh today, go read waiterrant's dead-on list of what your drink says about you. I'm adding a few:

Amaretto sour - You're getting carded. Sorry.

Bourbon and ginger ale - Can I get you a double?

Long island ice tea - Do you know what all's in that thing? Anyone who orders a drink that contains five different types of liquor deserves a lecture on the dangers of mixing spirits.

Almondrado on the rocks - You've been to Nogales. Or you know Jen. Either way, we're friends.

Since We're Talking about Restrooms

I have a question about flies. Button flies and zipper flies. When you wear zipper fly pants, do you zip first, then button? Or do you button first, then zip?

I always button first, then zip. But lately I've been wearing a pair of button fly jeans, and it keeps throwing me off. I button the top button, then go to zip - and can't. So I have to unbutton the top button and start all over again at the bottom, moving up.

Of course, now that I'm wearing mostly maternity pants, it's not an issue. Most of my waists now are elastic. And wide.

Public Restroom Etiquette

Saturday afternoon, I found myself in line behind five other women in the crowded restroom of a busy discount retail store. I noticed as I neared the front of the line that no one was using the handicapped stall (I think there were four stalls all together, and just one was handicapped).

I didn't push past anyone, but when I hit the front of the line, I made a dash for the empty handicapped stall without any qualms. By this time, there were at least five other women behind me, and they gladly welcomed the larger stall into their rotation when I exited.

Am I insensitive? Were the women in front of me unaware that it was empty? Or are they just more politically correct than me?

What are your opinions on the use of handicap stalls by women without disabilities? While I would never park in a handicapped parking space, I don't see any issues with using a handicapped facility - as long as no one with a disability is waiting in line. Do you agree?

(I should add that I was alone, so I didn't need the extra room or the changing table for a toddler companion.)

Big Belly Attire

Even with the top button undone, my pre-pregnancy jeans are officially pushing the limits of comfort. Starting today, I'm boxing up the skinny clothes and wearing maternity clothes only. I can't remember when I made this transition the last time, but it was probably at about the same point - around 16 weeks.

Lucky for me, I have three cousins, all about my size, who've had babies within the past six months and have passed a lot of their maternity clothes on to me. They're primarily summer clothes, but I think there's enough in my closet for a wardrobe if I buy a few more sweaters and maybe splurge on another pair of jeans over the next six months.

What about you? If you've been pregnant - when did you switch to maternity clothes? And what were the staples of your maternity wardrobe?

Questions on Exhaustion

Have you ever fallen asleep while standing up? While walking? Where's the oddest spot you've ever nodded off?

Goofy Baby Names

Awhile back, I came up with what I thought was a wonderful boy's name - intelligent, classic, strong.

I was thinking of a favorite character in John Irving's Cider House Rules. And I was thinking of the Iliad and the Odyssey. And I told Jeromy about this great name idea if we were ever to have another boy, and he said ... "Um. You mean like Homer Simpson?"

Shoot. NO. We can't name our son after him! (Sorry, Jen.)

When I told Barry this story, he jokingly suggested Homer Gilligan as a full name. Can you do better?Here's the baby name wizard. Give me some silly suggestions. I'm looking for absurd ideas, not serious contenders. Who can come up with the best one for us?

Speaking of Lost

I just lost a post. I've never done that, but I hear about it all the time. It was a big one that included a list of the 18 places I've been employed. I'll have to re-do it sometime.

In the meantime, let me tell you what else I've lost recently - my keys. I kept thinking they'd show up, but they've been MIA for a month, so I think they're really gone. Anyone know where they are? Got any good ideas on where to look? I KNOW they're in the house or the yard or the garage or somewhere, because I have a real clear memory of the last time I used them (after grocery shopping).

Have you lost anything important lately?

Who's Next?

Quick poll:
Who will be the next person to die on LOST?

The Appendage Discussion

An ongoing argument among some of our good friends from college starts with the following question:

Is the head an appendage?

Discuss.